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Me, the author… wish I could …. Part 1 – CREffects

Me, the author… wish I could …. Part 1

I have delayed writing about me, the author. It’s hard for me to write just about my successes, especially when I want people to come to me knowing all the bad stuff adds up to good stuff. So this is more than my work bio and experience in the field of healing and thriving, making it difficult to add up in one post. I read biographies on other blogs about the people putting their thoughts into words. I have a great respect for those writing their personal struggles and using their beautiful, creative language to speak of their truths, their thoughts, their desire to help others. Among those who know me, most say there are no words for me, so…I will just try to skim the target at least from all perspectives. I am a red headed woman with an attitude, but there is more.
I am about 2 months into being consistent with my writing, If there is a gap of more than a few days, it’s because I am working on my website and the plug ins, the short codes, the pages that I keep messing up. Something I know very little about, I can do it, but I’m laking in the “I give a shit” and “no passion” department for the tech stuff. Truth be known, my 13 year old could probably figure it out in 1/3 the time I’ve spent so far, but he has his own happiness to make, so I’m reaching out to anyone that can do it and enjoys making beautiful things happen on the internet. I have decided to pay someone to do it for me, so if you want a very, very, very part time job of loading some plugins on my site, making them work and some random “make me a registration page with this info on it and put it on this page” job, or you know of someone or somewhere, let me know. I am building this website to someday soon have my classes and workshops available along with the original workshops with my Moon Ninja, Monika. On top of that, my work has become Nomadic. The fulfilling and self prophesying part of my job will be to host retreats across the country ( my 1st being in the Uintah Mountains of Utah this June, and then Folsom Lake in Folsom,Ca. this August) and this business model will allow my youngest son to have the adventures he is craving and to allow me to see my oldest 2 children that currently live on the East Coast as often as I want.
My education background is in all things Anatomy, Physiology, Chemistry, religious studies, communications and business. Math comes easy (at least it used to until I got old, but I did keep my math that helps with molecular studies sharp), but my passion is this lovely complicated, surprising simple chemical communicator called the human body. I studied anything and everything that I found remotely interesting or that I had questions about. I see the body as a beautiful connection of messages and movement. On my quotes page, I mention how much learning is apart of my life. I can’t stop the compulsion to learn. On top of retaining information about the things I deeply care about, I am also a pit of useless information, unless you ask me where my car keys are and then I am completely useless. I can find almost anything that someone else has lost immediately, I can read the path of how it got there, but my personal belongings are a complete mystery to me. I have the inability to stop learning, if someone needs information, somehow I know it or I know someone who does or I know right where to get it. It’s been a blessing to know where to go for answers, considering it takes me 20 minutes to find my keys just to get on my way.
I am a licensed Massage Therapist (my clients say it’s not massage and use the words CIA interrogator, medieval torture chamber maid, blah, blah, blah.) I became an LMT because I needed a flexible career that would allow me to raise my kids and help support the other endless student in my household at the time, my husband as he worked 2 careers and achieved 2 Graduate Degrees. It seemed that flexibility was the only inflexible thing in my life. For 17 years this career fulfilled my need for service, helped pay the bills and provided me some of the most enriching relationships any woman could have with some of the most amazing people ever to grace this earth. It allowed me to learn more, care more. If I hadn’t have chosen this career, I would probably still be working for someone else, giving and caring to do things the best they can be done, but without any of the fulfillment I have achieved. I was able to sacrifice for my families needs and make it feel like a success of my own. How lucky am I. If I could have gone back to school for advanced degrees and do what I wanted during that time, I would have missed out on some of the best learning a life could give. Until now, I have always listened to my empathetic mind and followed my heart, and my life has been amazingly blessed with simplicity of work, home and family. Yes, if you know me, I know you are shaking your head, but the truth is, it has always come easy, this joy in my heart. Mostly because the empath in me knew good choices and when I follow, I have never been disappointed, even when I followed and it was not the best decision at the time, these choices have always paid off. This does not mean that it hasn’t come at a cost. My belief about life is much less complicated than most, but I have mastered complexity. You see, I believe that if our joys are to be insurmountable, so must our dark times or challenges. It is my truth anyway. For me to have a full heart with never-ending acceptance and love, I must have a heart cold as stone. For my deep gratitude for what I have been given, I wish for consolation. I could go on with this part, but I’ll surprise us all and let you finish your own dark/light personality comparison.
My life seems crazy and busy to most people. I am frustrating to some, annoying to others, but for some reason they still call me a blessing in their life. I think they might be crazier than me for that. They can’t figure out how I can possibly accomplish so much in every day, year after year. The truth is, my life is simple. I am a complex, my thoughts are, well, not unlike a Hoberman sphere and some days like a skein of yarn that has more knots than a pirate ship, but my choices and decisions and successes are simple. Each day my tasks and achievements are simple. What seems all over the place to others, seems perfectly organized and necessary for my own existence. I live every day to do something beautiful, something meaningful and thoughtful, and of course something crazy or off the wall. For me that’s easy. I wear people out. My energy seems to be boundless and I love talking. But for all of that, I experience my lows deeper than most. Of course I don’t share this with others. But its there and it isn’t hidden. I can’t hide my feelings. again, my friends are there to remind me to forgive, not only those that wrong me, but myself. They remind me of all the pieces of the puzzle and how to love each piece of myself, as I love others.
I have a very twisted sense of humor that I try to sharpen daily. Sometimes I get off track when I feel anxious or lost or dismissed, but I have many friends who are always there to say just the wrong thing to get me back in the gutter where I belong. I find my most tender joys in the flowers that bloom in my yard and in the memories with my family, especially my mother. I find my tender mercies in the faces and gentle touch of my children. I watch the sunrise almost every day of the year and I am in awe at the peace the quiet morning brings and I make a promise to fulfill my duties as a mother, daughter, teacher, student, giver and receiver. I consider myself lucky but I work hard at everything I do, even laziness, I have been know to master the technique. Most days, somethings are left undone, but I replace them with things that matter. Some days, I am a total fuck up, but I like those days too. I make what are to be considered by most, bad mistakes and poor choices, but don’t we all, I don’t really think they are mistakes, just a balance that is required between dark and light. I like that about people, no one is perfect, there is no standard to live up to, just my own and what I choose it to be. I embrace everyone. I know this is hard to believe, but it is much easier to spend limited time with people that are nasty and leave a bad taste in my mouth if I embrace where they are, and the fact that we are different and on very different journeys, I appreciate their place in my life of an example of how I don’t want to live my life. If it wasn’t for them, I would have no need for boundaries and no one to remind me of the possibility that I might need to make amends to someone if I ever made them feel the way they make me feel. But by embracing their existence and respecting the idea of everything and everyone in their own time I can easily let go of my distaste. To each his own. I am a friend to anyone who needs it, and have a difficult time not forgiving, so I can wallow in the swamp at times and feel sorry for myself for doing it.
I am easily frustrated and impatient when people can’t see the obvious and just take care of it. I work out of that by comparing them to myself, understanding that they too are frustrated that I expect them to be like me. This usually works, and I can talk myself off a ledge of crazy ginger in a no time. But sometimes it sticks like glue and I do it myself so I can move on. Not the best choice, but whatever. I realize that I am taking something away from them in the situation and it is possibly their goal to get me to do it, but I am weak, and take the chance away from them that maybe they even had a better way and don’t get to show it. I take away my own chance to learn. I succeed at letting them work through it sometimes, but it is hard.
Because I am a long talker ( I was also raised a loud talker, but you can’t hear that, so this is a blessing for you), I am taking more time later to add to my story of me. It’s mostly done, but long as hell. So take a deep breath and we will meet up another day.
Here’s to loving all of you, every piece of every puzzle, even a puzzle with missing pieces like mine.
Love yourself and trust your heart, may you follow it like the electronic beacon that it is,

6 thoughts on “Me, the author… wish I could …. Part 1

  1. Culture Girl says:

    NIkki! Thank you thank you THANK YOU for the well written window into your life and soul. It is so inspiring! Just knowing there are so many kindred spirits in this blogosphere brings me back every day now… I am the same way about writing about myself and sometimes open up only to shut back down. This is happening less though these days… Connecting with you is supporting my intent to stay open enough to share an lose the fear. I love your approach to the people in your life who are not perfect or at a different stage of growth, serving as reminders of how far I have come and how far I have to go. They are all important an around for a reason. HUGE virtual hug! Send me info about your retreats. rachelmm1@aol.com
    PS-I am trying to set my virtual “stuff” up too and was laughing at being in the same exact spot! I am going to ask someone to help me too. Asking for help does not come easily for me. 😉

    • Cognizant Reconstruction says:

      Love ya! Thanks for the support, I truly appreciate it!
      I think I found a crazy little soul that is going to get all my mess straightened out….I am so excited to not waste anymore time pretending, so I can get back to biz, so to speak, worth every penny….

    • Cognizant Reconstruction says:

      Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention the retreats, I have mentioned finding someone to work my site, I will have all of the info about the retreat up and readable soon!

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